Ok blogosphere...I have something to admit. And I'm hoping other moms can relate and that someday I'll look back and realize this was absurd, but right now it's reality. So, here it goes.
I'm terrified to have another child. Terrified. And now that we're considering trying for another this year, this fear is revisited in my mind almost daily.
This fear began when Drew was little and we realized he was such a laid back baby that wasn't hyper and was always happy. I knew I got lucky with such a wonderful child who listens well, behaves (for the most part) and has an incredibly sweet demeanor. As he entered older classes at daycare and we spent more time out and about with him, it was apparent that Drew is just an overall good kid. One could argue nature versus nurture here and I won't get into what we believe, but the point is that Drew is a wonderful first child.
Another part to this fear is routine. I have endured tons of change in my life, but for the most part I prefer routine. I like our schedule with Drew and we have worked out every kink over these past 2 years. I feel as though we really know him and what he needs and wants. I feel as though our communication with him is wonderful and the three of us work perfectly together. Like a tripod. Is it wrong that I'm completely petrified to add in a factor that will completely uproot all schedules and routines for months and potentially years?
And let's not forget to talk about sleep. This momma got VERY lucky with a baby that slept through the night at an early age and has pretty much never changed. Sure we've had the occasional sickness or rough night, but I worship how wonderful of a sleeper he is and am terrified the next one will be the opposite. What if we get a baby that won't sleep through the night until they are THREE like Derek did?
The last part comes directly from other moms. I can't tell you how many mothers have told me 'you only get one good one'. Ok?? So what you're saying is that the next one will be a crazed spitfire of a child who never listens and never sleeps? Um, thanks for that wonderful encouragement before we even get pregnant again. I mean come ON people. Way to add fuel to the flame.
There are so many more reasons like getting fat again and avoiding alcohol or WORSE; having an unhealthy baby... but you get the picture. I just can't shake this fear and it's somewhat taking over my life. I know we want a sibling for Drew, but if it's true and you only get one good child, then do we really need another? So there it is. Normal? Maybe. Maybe not. But it's the truth.
We have six... and granted they're all different, but they're also all good. Not perfect, but inherently good. I remember having similar fears each time I was pregnant... along with the irrational fear that we were playing russian-roulette... after all, what are the chances of having six healthy babies? Each pregnancy brought new fears of having a baby that wasn't completely healthy... that we were setting ourselves up for some sort of difficulty. In the end all those fears and stresses were totally unfounded.
ReplyDeleteDon't you worry momma... you CAN have two good ones :)
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(¸.·´ (¸.·`¤… Jennifer
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In my opinion, it's normal! Even though we started talking about trying to get pregnant again when Davis was just shy of a year old, at the time I was still terrified at the actual logistics of having 2 kids. But then when we got pregnant, even though I was still scared, I was mostly just excited... and of course when I miscarried, I would have killed to have that feeling of being scared and excited back. So I think if and when you do get pregnant, if you're anything like me, you will change your mindset pretty quickly :)
ReplyDeleteI think if you really want another, and picture yourself with more than one child, then you will be fine! Sometimes I think people feel they *need* lots of kids for whatever reason, and personally I don't believe there is anything wrong with an only child!
ReplyDeleteThat said, I knew I wanted more than one, so I jumped into it knowing it meant sleepless nights and being fat and uncomfortable lol. And it was HARD. But worth it. I'm done with two though :-P
...and my second *is* a spitfire! Complete opposite of big sister, but I love her because of her naughty streak. You will love a "naughty" child just as much as a "good" one if you get it--because unique personalities is what makes a family fun! It'd be boring otherwise :-)
I hear you!! Although Tay was colicky for her first 10 weeks, she has always been a great sleeper. And once 10 weeks 1 day hit and her colic disappeared, we found we had a happy, smiley, sweet, amazing, gentle, lovebug. How can that happen twice!!? I think it's a total normal fear. But, we know our family isn't complete yet, so we are going to go for it. And look on the bright side? It's probably easier that the first one is "good". That means they can help with the second one if you get a firecracker! :)
ReplyDeleteI feel the exact same as you. Everything you posted the same. Justin and I both fear that another baby would change things so much as well as getting a baby that is "harder" that Emma was. I also don't want to go through pregnancy again. I worried every second during the time I was pregnant. I also was a mess the whole first year.
ReplyDeleteYour fears seem normal to me. We stopped at three. After that we knew we were done. Listen to your heart and you will have your answer.
ReplyDeleteWe are going through the same thing... Our first was such a good baby and is a really lovable toddler. Whenever she's a little bit fussy it's like the end of the world for us since we're not used her ever being too bad.. Now we are trying for another and I'm trying to mentally prepare my self to multiply her little bit of fussy time 100. Will I be able to do it? Guess its one of those things you need to just go through to find out.
ReplyDeleteI was terrified to have a second, but six weeks in to having two things are going great. My oldest was a great sleeper, and the baby is as well. It is an adjustment adding a second child to the mix, but you learn just like you did when you added the first baby to your family.
ReplyDeleteTotally normal. Totally. While I was pregnant with our 2nd, I remember standing in my MIL's kitchen crying...hard...bc I didn't feel like I could have another one like my son. I was also scared that there was no way I could begin to feel the same love for another. I remember saying that he literally had my entire heart...how could someone else fill it up more, there was no room. But the day she was born I was assured that my heart had plenty of room. I felt the same immediate, unconditional love for her that I had for him and it was crazy to literally feel your heart expand.
ReplyDeleteAs for the "one good one", I'm sorry, I think that's silly. Both of my kids are such great kids. They both have their "things" and they are so different, but they are both really great kids.
I say go for it. I promise, it will all be great! The fear you have is normal, but it would be perfect!
Your son sounds just like my daugher...almost the perfect child! I am pregnant with my second now and I am thinking about all of these things as well. I'm really hoping that people are wrong and the next one is just as easy and happy as the first. I have a friend who has three boys and she said all of her boys were easy babies so here's hoping!
ReplyDeleteI had so many well meaning strangers tell me "it is going to be so much harder." but they forgot to mention how much better it is with two! You will find your rhythm and your little Drew will find himself with a very best friend! Both of my babies have been as sweet as can be!
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way as you...but from what I have heard we are set up to parent any of our kids the best way we know how and Drew will easy into that so very nicely:-) You will do great and so will he (and dad of course!). Hope we get to be pregnant together:-)
ReplyDeleteI had the same fears before we had our second daughter-- I think that is completely normal. And I, too, loved the routine and nature of our family when it was the three of us. However, having our second daughter was such an experience. Both girls were always good sleepers and decently well-behaved. Every new child enters the world with their own "stuff" and getting used to that is part of embracing your new addition. I love that my younger one has blue eyes... before her I only new a child of mine with brown eyes. And the younger one has a peanut allergy. Of course, that complicates life a bit, but that is HER and I love her for that. I think it is such a joy having a second child and getting to know a whole new person. Not to mention, the bond between siblings is unlike anything else. Do it for Drew! :)
ReplyDeleteTotally normal to feel anxious about adding to your family! My two are so far pretty similar in most ways, but Carter is more mellow. It is one of those things that you just have to do, and then you WILL get through it, even if it is hard for awhile! Having two is definitely more of a challenge then just one. BUT it is SOOOO amazingly fun and worth feeling extra tired, etc. I agree with the above post - having two kids that love eachother is the most precious thing in the world. Leah LOVES her baby brother SO much! I wouldn't trade it for the world! :)
ReplyDeleteSo i'm totally with you on this post. My husband and I got soooo lucky with Emma. She has slept through the entire night since was brought her home pretty much. She's sweet and just amazing. I don't know how I would be able to deal with a child that doesn't sleep and isn't sweet!!! haha =) I think though we would all be fine if we had another one!
ReplyDeleteGirl, I am right there with you. I want another one SO BAD but I am scared to death, hands-down terrified, about being a two-child parent. One seems like enough and I feel like you - we're just getting settled down and used to having Henry around and working together as a family. I can barely wrap my mind around throwing a newborn into the mix!! But, many moms have done it before us and I'm sure we can handle it too!
ReplyDeleteMy hubby and I aren't even pregnant with our first yet and I already have fears like this. Thanks for beign so honest.
ReplyDeleteI'm terrified too!!! Especially since Samantha's infancy has been so tough (especially the sleeping part!). I am afraid the next baby won't sleep either! hahaha
ReplyDeleteI felt the same way when we were going to try for #2. Our #2 isn't as easy as #1 but he is a wonderful boy. #1 was one for the record book in sleeping & behavior. But since we already had 1 child, it was easier to have the 2nd baby be a tad "harder". It is all worth it.
ReplyDeleteI have this exact thought EVERY DAY! I think every mom does until they actually have #2. You just can;t imagine anyone else in this little world you have created and I am sure after #2 you think you couldn't possibly love 1 more as much as the first 2. Mckinley has always been an "easy" baby and even then I still get tired and worn out some days. And people want me to have ANOTHER ONE! I am actually starting to get a tinge of baby fever even though we won't be trying anytime soon, but these fears help keep it at bay = )
ReplyDeleteI remember having the same feelings when I was pregnant with baby #2. I'm going to go against the grain and tell you that I was blessed with three "good ones" so it can happen! My firstborn was just like Drew. He has always been an easy child, and was sleeping in 6 hour stretches by the time he was 4 weeks old. I feared my second wouldn't sleep, but honestly, she was an even better sleeper, sleeping in those 6 hour stretches at just a few days old. She does have a dramatic streak, but I'm thinking that's just a girl thing! My 17 month old was also sleeping great at just a few days old and she is exactly like her big brother.
ReplyDeleteI know it's difficult not to worry, but I promise you that you will love your second born just as much as your first, and that you will adjust to having another child in your life!
Man-oh-man! My little girl is turning one very soon and we've been struggling with the same thoughts as well! I am SO comforted knowing that I am not alone in these fears - no matter how illogical they may truly be. I'm not sure what the answers are or if there are any real answers at all... but just think about your life before Andrew... how you didn't know the magnitude of the true blessing that he really is until you experienced it. I suppose it's like that, all over again. :)
ReplyDeleteI have been very fortunate to have two wonderful siblings, and from what I know, you feel the same about your brother, and Derek also has a great brother and sister. It's a very personal decision for you and Derek to make together, but whatever the two of you decide, it will be right for your family. Aunt Karen
ReplyDeleteI think your fears are pretty normal. Clara, our first, has been nothing but textbook (awful sleeper, colic, reflux, you name it she had it) and therefore my husband has struggled with "Do we even want another one because I'm not sure I can do this again??!" But you know what. . . I can say from experience (and let me just say sleep was AWFUL until she was 6 months) that she is worth every single second. And my husband would agree. So I think that regardless of if your second is easy or more difficult, your mindset will shift fairly easily. Sure things will be harder than when you just had one, and naturally routine will be more difficult to establish, but you will find your groove. :)
ReplyDeleteI have this same fear being pregnant with #2 right now and I hate admitting that. My biggest thing is "will I love this one as much as my first?" I agree that I think a lot of moms have those fears, but it seems as soon as the new baby arrives whether it's #2 or #6, they are all loved just as much and those fears go out the window. I think each one is good for their own reasons. One may be a good sleeper, one may be a better eater. I don't know. I don't have much advice b/c I'm in the same boat as you. All I can say is lots of people have done it before us and rocked it, so I think we'll manage just fine too.
ReplyDeleteOh, girl! I have the same exact fear! You are not alone! Your post literally could have come straight from my mouth, that's how similar our little guys are & how I have the same fears as you! I have no words of advice, but, all I can say is you are not alone. :)
ReplyDeleteI am right there with you on this fear. We are trying for #2 now. Blakely is perfect...healthy, happy, eats good, sleeps good, etc. I am terrified of only getting this lucky once! I'm was glad to read all of these comments and realize this is totally normal. Thank you for this post...it has eased some of my fears :)
ReplyDeleteI have 2 boys and I had the same fears. My first was the sweetest thing. Slept through the night at 6 weeks, super easy going, he was just EASY. I'm not going to lie, my youngest is definitely a challenge, but he makes up for it in soooo many ways. Each child brings something different to the family and it's so completely worth it!
ReplyDeleteSarah
http://dirtonourface.blogspot.com/
I feel the EXACT SAME WAY! My daughter is super easy going, and slept thru the night since birth. Seriously, since birth (I used to have to wake her up to eat)
ReplyDeleteNow, she's so easy going, and happy, and I am feeling the same type of "panic" when people say that my next one is going to be hell on wheels.
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I understand your fears of another child all to well. I have the same ones. My husband and I have been trying to have another one and some days the thought of another baby petrifies me. She has been the only child for 5 years now and has always been an easy child(most days). I've had people tell me that my next child is going to be my problem child. I disagree because I think,well hoping, that it has more to do with our parenting and our lifestyles.
ReplyDeleteI understand all your fears about adding another child to your family... I had the same hesitations and fears before we started treatments for Isaiah. But seriously, the "you only get one good one" thing is CRAP. Noah is the kid that causes other parents to remark on how sweet, well behaved, and incredibly smart he is. He was a great baby, too. And with the exception of the first couple of months of Isaiah's life, he is AWESOME, too. He's actually a happier, chattier baby now than Noah ever was. Granted, he's only 4 months old, but I do believe that nature can be very influenced by nurture. So you're unlikely to have a total hellion. lol.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, having two kids is amazing. I actually want to have like 6 now (that will never happen). Sure, everything gets turned upside down when you have a new baby, but it becomes your new normal and stops bothering you after awhile. I couldn't imagine how... well, DULL life would be if it was still just me, Justin, and Noah. And seeing your kids interact with each other and love on each other... there's nothing like it! DO IT!!! :)
Like Lauren said, life gets out of order for a while when you have a new baby, then you adjust to your new normal. What is a few months, maybe a year or two for some, compared to a lifetime of love?
ReplyDeleteI feel for you. I too, have had my concerns, this time around. Baby #5 is on the way, do we keep going after this? Can we handle it? I love my children so much. They are so precious, each in their own ways. I can't imagine having decided sooner to stop, and not have the ones we have now. The amazing love that keeps growing....
I recently heard this and it reasonated right into my being: "Don't try to understand with your mind, follow your heart." I'm praying for you. ((Hugs))
It's funny that you write this because I have the same fear. My husband and I started talking about having a second baby and this type of thing always runs in my head. But I have faith that our ability to love is infinite and that my heart will grow and expand as our family does. Thank you for sharing. *hugs*
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Hi Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI'm finally visiting your blog after you left such a sweet comment around Christmas time...Thank you. Oh I understand this fear all too well. My little boy is four, and yet I'm still unsure of having another. I'm afraid of the very same things--the baby's health, my health, losing a routine, losing sleep, feeling anxious and/or out-of-control. Plus, everyone's comments about having a "good" and a "bad" child doesn't seem to help either... Best wishes to you. Although I cannot speak from experience, any family that has had more than one child always say the same thing--there's an adjustment period, but it's so worth it!
Swinging by from yesterday's Mommy Confession link-up... I TOTALLY feel ya' on this one! I was SCARED TO DEATH to have a second child, which I think is largely in part why we had our two little ones so close together (because I was afraid that my fear would only get worse). I have a 2 1/2 (almost 3... April birthday) and 10 month old, if you are trying to do the math, they are EXACTLY 3 weeks shy of 2 years apart. It has been a challenge learning to juggle the needs of two "mostly" dependent little ones, BUT not because "one is good" and the "other is bad." I posted about a week ago on a similar topic, asking my readers if they thought there was a perfect age difference, and majority said "no matter the age difference, it will be an adjustment." Sending good vibes your way that everything will fall into place the way its meant to be! ;)
ReplyDeleteI totally understand those fears and I feel exactly the same! But my reasoning is falling along the lines of, you and your husband are good people, and THATS why your baby came out so great. I think the odds are in your favor that the next one will turn out just right too.
ReplyDeleteBut I HATE the idea of getting fat again. Gonna be better about eating right the next time around.
I already have baby fever and Mace is only seven months old! We say the exact same thing.....even though there are things that have been difficult with Mace already, we think the next one will be the little stinker of the family :)) Love seeing pics of little Drew, so sweet!!
ReplyDeletewww.sashon.blogspot.com
People tell me that all the time. Especially when Little C was a baby. I'm pretty sure this little one will be easy going also. Then I'll hear well on your third...
ReplyDeleteAlso I love getting pregnant! My belly that usually looks horrible finally has a big round purpose. As for the months after delivery- well that's another story.
Having another one is scary. In my humble-only-have-one-child opinion of course. For me it is more of the knowing what pregnancy is going to bring. And going through those early sleepless nights again. And (like you mentioned)inducing havoc on our almost perfect schedule and routine we have down now with one. But worth it? I think so. Now we just replace the "I don't know what the heck I am doing" anxiety with the anxiety of how it will be different.
ReplyDeleteI swore I commented on this post last night! Obviously not though. Anyway, I'm with everyone else who agrees with you (which is everyone else who commented). I even have a post in my draft box that I was working on about the same thing, more or less. You articulated this better than I could though. I have the same thoughts and fears. We're not planning on trying any time soon though, so it's not that much on my mind!
ReplyDeleteWHOA MAMA I HEAR YA! I worry about this all the time! Benjamin is seriously amazing - he was a great newborn, exceptional baby, and is a fabu toddler (okay, give or take a few tantrums... and he just started sleeping through the night at 1 year old - but other than that? Perfection.). And people tell us ALL THE TIME that this is not what babies/kids are like. And that we're not going to be this lucky twice.
ReplyDeleteBut you know what? I met someone with 3 kids, and her first baby was unbelievably good. She thought for sure she was royally screwed with #2. And #2 was even better than her first! And #3 was even better than the first two! So you never know. I feel like we get what we can handle. When Ben has a bad day, I'm really ill-equipped to handle it - maybe because I'm not used to it, maybe because I just get snippy when he's fussy - but he's definitely the baby I was meant to have first because anything else? Wouldn't have worked! So I'm putting all my faith in that bucket for our #2, whenever that may be (though we're planning on this year too, so perhaps you and I will be preggo pals!).
lol. loved this post. Let's be realistic, you need an heir and a spare:-) When I only had Leah I thought no way could I love another child as much, and she is a great kid, but the 2nd one for me was even easier. You already know what you're doing, and number two kid will already be used to sharing everything since they were never an only child. Your other post about Drew and his bff holding hands was so adorable, think about Drew holding hands helping his little brother or sister and you'll wonder how you ever lived with out 2 of them:-) and cliche but true-- "the more the merrier:-)"
ReplyDeleteI remember I saw some stupid show on Anderson about parents who have a "favorite" kid before Orion was born & it Freaked. Me. Out. I also had a fear of having another girl (which I never did have to deal with anyways) & I was terrified that the baby might have colic since Aurora was an easy baby too...seems like everyone has their own irrational fears about this sort of thing.
ReplyDeleteLet me tell you, as soon as Orion was born, all of those silly fears just went out the window. Literally, gone in the split second that I first saw him. Plus, he didn't have colic & in some regards has been even "easier" than Aurora. They're all so different & every kid has strengths as well as things they need to work on. :)
I felt the same way before Anna came along. Drew was so good and so easy (and still is). He slept and was just plain "good." Anna did come along and throw us for a loop. I remember thinking and saying why did I have a second (most of that was hormonal thoughts)? She wasn't a sleeper, but was an awesome eater and gained wait so easily (Drew was not a good eater and I was always worried about him gaining weight). So fast forward to now and I could never imagine my life without number two. She fits in this family so perfectly! The best part of having number two is watching your kids interact. It is the best. Our Drew loved his sister from the second he saw her and still loves her (and yes they do fight often, but they truly love each other). We are contemplating #3 right now, and reading your blog got me thinking all over again about how we felt before Anna arrived, but overall I think my kids need just one more sibling...they love babies so much and I don't quite feel complete yet!
ReplyDeleteI'm also terrified to have #2, but also I currently don't ever want a #2! So there you go! Haha and I have the super not easy child now, so I tell myself that maybe a second would be easier?? Personality-wise Carter is great (just the typical toddler tantrums--nothing excessive, and he's hilarious and so loving) but the newborn stage with him was absolute HELL and his food allergies stress the crap out of me and I honestly don't think I could handle carrying around an epipen for a second child (nevermind if it was for a different food too!!) uugghh the stresses of motherhood. It's so awesome and so terrifying all at the same time ; )
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